Bipolar Music Tendencies

Well here I am again, being slightly more transparent than the last time. I have had so many blog ideas running through my head and just never make the time to sit down and do something with them all. So to my two readers, I apologize. This blog comes directly out of my head to the computer based on my drive from work to class yesterday.

This will be a slight invasion into my music taste or lack thereof, but it made me laugh nonetheless. And I can't promise that my thoughts will truly flow in such a way to bring calm to the chaos...but I continue.

The first song I heard that sparked my ears to listen more intently than the blind driving music behind the already flailing thoughts was Colbie Calliat's "Realize." This song has been one of interest for quite some time as I feel I have found myself trapped in the desire for someone to realize what is right in front of their face. That it's not bad, it's not dangerous, it's not painful...it just is. Or dare I say...was. I have not been inclined to want to listen to this song as of recent days because I'm passed the point of realizing anything....or maybe I've realized something new...

I digress....

Ok, so the VERY NEXT song that came shuffling through my ipod (it was on Shuffle Songs, duh!) was Daughtry's "Over You." Now, this song, when it first hit my ears a couple of years ago, had significant meaning in a really rotten time in my life (in that high school girl mad at the boy who just broke her heart kind of way). However, it has fallen on deaf ears for a while, even to the point of skipping it...until Monday. When this song started...I laughed to myself. This is what started the thought process of having "bipolar music tendencies." It's funny how you can go from listening to a heart-felt "feel good song" to a hard-core "break-up song" and have a wealth of emotions spring up.

My life has been this whirlwind in recent months. Going back and forth in my own mind, heart, and soul on what the next step will be for my life. I've tried to figure it out on my own, make things happen, and ultimately attempt to play God. It's put me in a VERY unhealthy place emotionally. I have to say, my friends and support system have been AMAZING through the last several months and I should probably apologize to every one of them for my crazy, intense moments of back-and-forth-ness.

I've had some hard realizations (there's that word again) in the recent weeks. Mostly that I have backed my own self into a corner that I have to get out of. It's not going to be easy, and Lord knows, right now, I really just want it to be. But I'll embrace it and move forward and pray that God blesses my endeavors and attempts to "get healthy" again. This is going to come in several forms, one of which is true body health, but more importantly, emotional health. It's so important that we take care of ourselves and be healthy so God can use us for what He has for us, that is so much better for us than what we want or think we need.

I say, BRING IT ON! I'm ready to see what God is going to do...


In other news, I have 3 more nights of group counseling and next week will find out who my new clients will be for 5013...MY INTERNSHIP!! I'm so excited about this next step in the journey. Graduation is right around the corner...May 7th!!! CANNOT WAIT! It's been a tough semester but one that has stretched me greatly! My last group project presentation is next Monday and I can't wait to get it over with. Frankly, I can't wait for this semester to just be done. I am thankful for those that struggle along side with me though...they make it so much more fun!!

Day Two...

I know, crazy!! Blogging 2 days in a row. What in the world has come over me??? I'll tell you. I have found myself in an extremely bad place and realize that this is a great outlet for me to just vent and get some things off my chest. I realize I don't do a great job of really venting, but as I do this more, I might just get better at it.

Yesterday was probably the worst day I've had in a long time. Why? I'm still not exactly sure. I do know I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders for whatever reason and was so down in the dumps I couldn't see straight. I went to didactic last night and just told everyone I had a crappy day and really needed to get over it before going into our counseling session with our hurting clients. That was my prayer for the greater part of class. I needed serenity. God gave me what I needed for those moments in session. I was able to make it through session, and move on through the night. I ended up after Practicum, at 10:30 last night, walking/running around the school campus and listening to my iPod. It was probably the most needed "work-out" of the century! For many reasons, but we'll go with spiritual one as most relevant.

I am an enabler. For those of you who are reading this and are not counseling students or even remotely sure what that means, let me tell you. An enabler in broad terms is one who makes something possible for someone else. There can be a positive twist to this, but in my life, there is absolutely no positivity to it at all. For those of you who really know me and know my struggles to the core, you will understand this exactly dead on. I got down-right disgusted with myself yesterday and I'm really having to evaluate my actions, words and behaviors. It's hard. And it hurts. And I'm not enjoying it. But I feel better today. God is teaching me some things that are painful, that could potentially leave me feeling very lonely, but in the midst of that loneliness, I know I am NEVER alone!

This song really spoke to my heart and I think it describes me right where I am right now. It's the bridge to a song called Desert Song by Hillsong. Check it out....

"All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship."

These words are so great! The part that sticks out...In every season. Not just sometimes, but EVERY season. This is a season in my life that I am learning some valuable things about myself and one that I have to embrace. With that, I don't need life to be perfect, I don't need to feel like I have to be a certain way to get a certain person or thing, and I don't have to enable. I will not enable. This is going to be a hard life lesson. And now that I've put it out there for all to see, one I feel like will probably haunt me until I get it right. For that...I welcome the accountability...no matter how much it hurts. (yes Kelli, that even means you)!! :-)

Two days in a row....watch out world, this might get crazy!!

4 questions

I just read a friend of mine's blog who I absolutely adore reading daily, Jessi Connolly (click here for her blog) and thought I'd take her up on her "tag" and answer these questions that seemingly might help out those of you who still stick around to see if I'll blog. So here goes....

The 4 Questions are:

1. tell me something great as of late
2. tell me something hard as of late
3. tell me something about your family
4. tell me something about your friends

So my answers are as follows:

1. Something great as of late-I have a real hard time doing this one, but right now I would say personally, God has provided for me in ways I do not understand nor claim to understand. I have enough money to get through the rest of school and he has provided a job that is flexible with my school schedule and supports me in everything I do. Amazing!
2. Something hard as of late-I am really struggling with a friendship right now. That's really all that can be said
3. Something about my family-I miss them terribly. Cannot wait for Christmas and the time I'll get to spend with them.
4. Something about my friends-I'm pretty sure I have the most amazing friends in the world. People who accept me in spite of me and are ever-present in my life's struggles. Right now, the ones I hold extremely close are school friends, mainly because we share the same experiences and struggles. Krissie, Jana, Haley, and Ryan...I don't think I'd survive without you!

I know it's not very deep and thought-provoking...or maybe it is; however, its what I can do right now.
It's a hard day!

Never ceases to amaze me...

I know I was supposed to have another post the day after my last one, but it just did not happen. I follow a ba-zillion blogs through my work email and it's so much easier to read everyone else's than do it myself! I have so much going on and so much to talk about but can't seem to make/find/use time to do this. I've thought about throwing in the towel, but I keep thinking that I'll get better as time goes by. I could probably do a stream of conscious blog and catch you up and make you scared all at the same time. It's a fearful place, in my head!
jsut have
This is an out-of-control semester and it's hard to believe that I'm so close to the end. May 7, 2010 at 10 am I will be graduating and I CANNOT WAIT!!! But until then, there is SOOOOO much to be done. I am in two of the harder classes I have had in my school career and I know there are many more that are harder, but right now, I'm swamped!

Also going through a lot of internal struggles and trying to figure out my future, although I know I'm not going to figure it out. So the cycle is that I try to figure it out, I realize I can't figure it out, I put down the trying and find myself trying again later. It's vicious! God is in control and I know this...just have to keep convincing myself! Prayers are welcomed and appreciated on this front.

I'm going to try and do better at this thing, but cannot commit or promise anything. We.shall.see.

Hello out there...

Seriously...I know, I'm absolutely horrible at this. I'd like to say it's because my life is boring and I have nothing to write about; however, that would be a lie because my world is exactly opposite! I posted right before my vacation and haven't posted again. So to briefly catch you up...I went to the beach, had a blast, seemingly lost a friend in the process (sad story, but I'm ok), finished my summer class with a "B"...fully stoked about that because it was hard...started Fall semester as a Senior Counselor in Practicum, moved into an apartment with a fabulous friend from school, gearing up for a traumatically, harsh semester with school but only 8 months until GRADUATION!!!!

Here it is 8 hours or so later and I haven't accomplished much. I am going to try my hardest to complete this blog tomorrow and continue the catch up and looking forward into my future. We'll see how it goes...

Overwhelmed...

I have so much on my mind right now and can't even begin to express it all because I don't know where to start and I might just emotionally vomit everywhere. For today, I'm overjoyed because there will be two precious babies born today of women I hold very dear to my heart. Melissa is giving birth to Chayce today and Amber is giving birth to a baby I do not yet know the name of. Both of these girls are precious and already mommies, but so exciting to be having another at such different points in their lives. It's so neat to watch God work as he has in both of their lives. Welcome to the world, little ones...you both have amazing families!!!

I'm also beside myself reading and re-living the experience of Becky and Shelby's story as they have adopted sweet Georgia Claire. If you have some time, go to their site and read all about it...but have some tissue close by. (Click on their names)

Now two weeks out from vacation and that overwhelms me a bit as well, I have a mid-term to take, a paper to write and a lot of reading that needs to get done so I don't have to do it on the beach. I'm not quite as motivated as I need to be. Dear Lord, Help me!!!!!

What I thought was going to be big news, turned out to not be anything. God is in control and I rest in that. He is taking care of my parents and that is all that matters. If you're curious, just shoot me an email. (have to protect the innocent). HA!!

25 days til re-lax-a-tion

That's right...in 25 days I'll be traveling with 4 of the best traveling companions to Destin, FL for our little beach extravaganza. I like to tell myself I'm going to Cabo, even though I'm not, only because it sounds a little more cush! HA! I'm so excited about this trip. I can honestly say, I've never been on a beach trip of this fashion. It's going to be well-worth the wait, and definitely well-deserved, if I do say so myself. So needless to say, I'm looking VERY forward to July 7th!

Prayer/Praise Update: and I'm sorry this is so delinquent. Thank you to all of you who have poured over the Newbury's in prayer! Surgery went well, Mrs. Newbury is recovering at home with the help of her daughter, Jeanie. She did fantastic in the surgery and has quite the fight in her. Preliminary tests during surgery and the reports after surgery have both given a CLEAR REPORT on the lymph nodes. This is HUGE! She now will wait to see the oncologist to discuss about hormones and such and what the next steps will look like. As of right now, there does not appear to be a need for chemo! PRAISE THE LORD! As I hear more, I will be sure and update.

Hopefully by morning, I'll be updating this again (I know, twice in 24 hours?? Watch out!) There are some pretty big things brewing right now.

Not too much has been going on in the regular world. The Keystone Church world is booming with busy-ness getting ready for WILD WEEK! If you are in Keller or the surrounding area and have a 5 yr old that has graduated K5 through a child who graduated 4th grade, WILD WEEK IS FOR YOU! Check it out at Keystone Church You don't want to miss it!

It was thundering out, apparently tornadoes and crazy weather are in Keller even now. I'm heading to bed to try to catch the last little bit of the storm noise in peace. I love a good thunder storm!!! More to come soon! Good Night!